I have been away at my brother’s wedding - All in all it was a great deal of fun and we all enjoyed ourselves.
My best man speech seemed to go down well so I’m leaving it here for posterity, possibly someone else might find it useful (with tweaks) over the normal “dry” speech’s currently lounging around the internet.
I have replaced names with “AAA”, “XXX”, “YYY”, should be obvious who the text is referring to:
Good afternoon and welcome.
My name is AAA, I'm XXX's brother and I have the honour of being best man.
I would like to say thank-you to XXX for his speech and this honour, it is an honour and I intend to honour this honour by being as honourable as an honourable person can.
First of all I would like to give a big thank-you to YYY's father for his kind words, to her mum, my mum and ZZZ and all those involved with putting this joyous event together. Also, lets not forget the lovely flower-girls.
So lets have a toast to the parents of the bride. To YYY's parents!
You will all be glad to hear that this speech is nice and simple - A bit like XXX really...
XXX and I met soon after he was born and from that moment onwards our brotherly bonds have been forever tangled.
Its been a while since we lived together, twenty odd years to be imprecise. To this day the memories haunt me and have made me the man I shouldn't have been.
Before I talk more about XXX I would like to talk about when XXX and YYY met - I say I would like to, but XXX hasn't actually told me anything about this defining moment in his life!
Then again XXX and romance are not two words you commonly associate with each other. XXX akin to a half-demented lunatic which the romance family have wisely chosen to steer clear of.
Since meeting YYY, XXX has changed for the better. To be honest though, even just putting a pair of pants on his head would be a major improvement.
Seriously, YYY has hauled XXX out of the primordial swamp of XXX-dom and changes so far have all been positive and welcome - The power of love must indeed be strong.
Personally and as a family we really like YYY and the influence she has had on XXX. We are still though truly amazed anyone would want to live with him and so we think she deserves a toast. To YYY!
Now, let us go back in time a little, to the 1970's - The gods opposed to tight disco clothing and high pitched singing, decided to bring a new being into the world - To alter the cosmic balance and meddle with all that was cool and generally groovy.
And so, in the sacred land of procrastination, amongst the deep rumbling noise of the “munchies” and forged from within the fiery belly of mount dither. XXX; was thrown together.
Upon his entrance into the world I realized the horrific nature of what lay before us. I tried to burn him in his cot, but this was thwarted due to the vast quantities of dribble he had produced whilst sleeping - A skill he has honed all through his life.
As a family we tried to stop the beast of XXX from emerging, but the powers of the buffoon-ling are strong, I'm sorry to say... We failed. Eventually drink and magical “erbs” released the monster within - The world has never been the same.
This is my last chance to save us all. So I will reveal his powers in the hope you can nudge him onto the path of normality and save all of mankind!
Like a stuck “Chas and Dave record”, “yes but” XXX will wear you down with his “I'm right” attitude. His smirking smugness and lazily prodded “rolly” finger have turned all but the calmest person into an irrational killing machine.
Luckily though we can hear when XXX is close by due to his loud and unique mating call - Produced by endless blowing of his vast nasal cavities. His nose blowing is in fact a deadly instrument of torture, singing out across the night like the love cry of a flatulent walrus.
XXX's other amazing power is that of time distortion. Expecting him to turn up at an appointed time is as likely to happen as one of his mad-cap ideas becoming reality.
Anecdotally, and on reflection, trying to fly by strapping carrier bags to your arms and jumping off a shed, is actually the sign of a being a bit backward and not an indication of being the next Leonardo da Vinci.
Possibly the demented and fluffy world of XXX has been influenced by his love of David Dickinson and “Bargain Hunt”. At one point he did try to model himself on David, but unfortunately for him he failed to grow the necessary side burns. All on account of his facial hair setting up home on his cheeks and refusing to move any closer to his ears.
But, I'm afraid its time now for me to end this part of the speech. XXX is a world unto himself and anyone who has had contact with him would honestly say he is a bit "special".
Ok, joking apart (or my insanity apart).
I really love my brother and genuinely feel YYY is right for him and him for her.
I think this quote sums XXX and YYY up, it is from Ogden Nash - “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.” They have a good relationship, in which their strengths and weaknesses balance and I feel they will take on all of life's challenges equally and together.
I now propose a final toast, to the bride and groom, I wish you every happiness, "to XXX and YYY".